HAVE YOU EVER FELT SO FRUSTRATED with your kiddo that you ended up shouting or saying something you didn’t mean or even wish to say?
Or worse, has your strong-willed child ever come back to you with “Mommy, do you still love me?”
Coming from a child, this disheartening question can crush the spirit of a sensitive momma and always brings on full-blown mom guilt.
Yet, when our youngsters are draining us because of improper conduct or defiance, don’t we experience exhaustion and defeat? It causes the journey of motherhood to feel more like an overwhelming load to carry than the dream we envisioned long ago.
Have you ever thought to yourself on those dismal days, “I don’t enjoy being a mom,” or “I don’t relate to my child”?
You obviously don’t mean it long term, but at the juncture, you mean it. The frustration is reasonable in the moment.
The challenge is that sometimes kids pick up on the vibe, and they doubt whether we really love them.
Of course, we feel unconditional love for our children. No matter how discouraged we are in the moment or how we might dread what the day may bring, we nevertheless cherish our children. It’s internal, ingrained, and genuine.
I had a client confess something to me which was heavy for her to express in the moment, but was certainly accurate and straightforward: She declared, “You know, Loyla, I love my daughter, but I don’t like her.”
Indeed, it was hard for her to say, and she didn’t admire how it sounded coming out of her mouth, but we get it, right?
But this brings up a concept which is unsettling to many - the disparity between love and enjoyment in motherhood.
Most of us experience pleasure while spending time with our strong-willed child. We see within ourselves the ability to endure frustration one minute, and yet genuinely enjoy a hug and snuggle later.
But what about when a child is just being stubborn, strong-willed, bent on getting their own way no matter what stands in their way?
If this sort of behavior is occurring day after day, it’s going to cause drain and exhaustion which is going to show on a mom’s face. She will not enjoy motherhood at this point.
But it’s okay to experience this feeling and even express it verbally to a child.
You might ponder: How can I communicate, “I love you no matter what you do, but I don’t respect what you’re doing now, and it causes me to not appreciate our relationship!”?
It’s pretty simple. It’s always effective to say, “I love you no matter what. There’s nothing you can do to alter this reality. But this doesn’t mean I’m always going to enjoy our relationship.”
Enjoyment depends on what a child does. If they elect to be impolite, loud, mean, or dishonouring, saying unkind things, well, we’re mortal, and our children need to realize we’re human. We won’t enjoy the relationship if there’s no mutual respect!
This is a conversation you can have with a child as young as 6, 7, or 8. Feel it out with your strong-willed child, whether they can perceive what you’re sharing. If you sense you don’t have the words to get across this concept, hold off. The goal of all conversations is to finish in a stronger place than you started in the relationship.
In conclusion, if there’s confusion between the unconditional love in the relationship and genuine enjoyment in the relationship, you offer your child a life-long gift when you teach the distinction.
Children need to recognize the boundaries in a good relationship. There are rules associated with wonderful connection; and with practice, a child will recognize how to have satisfying exchanges with their peers and with their cherished ones in adulthood.
I hope this conversation gets your brain juices running, pondering the conversation you might have with your strong-willed child.
It’s crucial that a strong-willed child recognize that nothing’s going to sabotage the solidness of the mother/child relationship. We’re only talking about various levels of enjoyment in that relationship.
If you desire more clarity and insight before commencing on this conversation, let’s chat.
Let’s make sure you introduce and wrap up the discussion with your strong-willed child in such a way that the connection ultimately becomes more satisfying than before the conversation even began…
