Do you end up yelling at your kiddo to feel heard? We’ve all done it because…well, it works! It gets the cooperation in the moment but long term, it's not effective for the relationship.
If you’ve never heard of “Trauma Bonding,” you’re not alone.
…but if you’ve got a strong-willed child, more than likely, trauma bonding should be on your radar!
What I find in coaching, and even in my parenting journey, is when we can’t get our child's attention, can’t get the cooperation, we end up yelling to get it. We do it because, well; it works — it gets the job done.
However, yelling hurts the relationship.
Sometimes we observe our children burst out in tears because they're so upset as a result of witnessing us get loud. For a strong-willed child who is sensitive, being yelled at is traumatic.
If you're a strong-willed child, like myself, you know that strong-willed kids are sensitive, and feelings get hurt really easy, even though we come across as tough and strong. Can you relate?
If you have a child like that, you may find yourself in the same situation where you end up yelling to feel heard. It gets cooperation at the moment, but long term it's not effective for the relationship.
So how does yelling for attention tie in with trauma bonding?
Children will respond to yelling and fear, doing the thing we ask them to do, but it creates a relationship based on fear, based on trauma.
Trauma bonding is a powerful bond, a powerful connection. Fear gets things done. But it's a bond based on fear rather than love. And the thing about trauma bonding is that it only works for a while.
Maybe a child will listen and do what we ask them to do when we get loud - once we get a little mean or scary.
But the problem using a threatening tone or loud words is when a strong-willed child turns 12, 13, 14 - especially a boy - that testosterone and a growing sense of independence causes a child to say, “You don't scare me anymore and yelling at me doesn’t phase me in the least!”
A child impacted by trauma bonding will eventually shove it back in your face, yelling and threatening to match the behavior modeled for them.
This is how families end up in yelling matches. The relationship just breaks apart. At that point, therapy or counseling is required to restore the family dynamic.
Trauma bonding has a lot to do with yelling, threatening, bribing and fear tactics. There’s an immediate sensation of success in the moment, but there’s an expiration date on that feeling. It won't last for very long, and the relationship will suffer.
If you want to stop yelling - if you want to avoid trauma bonding - there are ways to communicate so you feel heard. There are ways to get our kiddos to listen without traumatizing or scaring them.
If you don’t know how speak so your child will listen and want ideas, reach out to a parenting coach.
If I can help you, I’d love to hear your heart, hear about your kiddo, and craft a customized approach that fits your family.
