We've all been there! The kids are playing nicely together, and suddenly, you hear, "Give it to me!" Both children want the same toy or to use the computer for lessons on ABCmouse. The tug of war begins, the kids get physical, and before you know it, you're pulling kids apart while one is screaming, "That's not fair! You always pick on me!" Jealousy. One child thinks the other gets more praise and attention.
The kids compete, showing off who is stronger, smarter, funnier, or more talented. Daily, you can count on arguments over who chooses the TV show, the best seat in the car, or the more giant scoop of ice cream at snack time. The list goes on. It gets frustrating and exhausting and hurts relationships.
Today we will examine why sibling rivalry happens, identify strategic approaches to resolve it, and discuss the benefits.
Understanding the Reasons for Sibling Conflict
At the root of all sibling rivalry is a pursuit of significance, a desire to feel special and chosen. There is a universal need for identity, value, and purpose. Because kids lack the skills or maturity to address this matter in a healthy way, siblings may view each other as competitors instead of allies. Differences in age and abilities can create feelings of unfairness, and sometimes parents may inadvertently encourage competition.
Also, there's a tendency to say, "I love you both the same." "You're both equally special to me." But when we try to balance the scales and level the playing field by emphasizing "sameness," we can create a bigger problem. Children are vying for first place and preeminence, so being the same or equal is a threat, not a comfort.
Suppose the firstborn is naturally quick to learn, likes to read, and loves school. In that case, the secondborn will inevitably have to find a different way to excel. Otherwise, two children are fighting for the same identity in the family, and that's a problem. The critical point here is: Equal does not mean "same." Equal in worth, yes, but different in mission and identity.
Effective Strategies for Reducing Sibling Rivalry
To help a child with a poor sense of significance, an easy first step is to assess strengths and weaknesses together as a family in a non-threatening, casual conversation.
Acknowledging a child's strengths makes them feel good about who they are and what they bring to the table. Recognizing each other's unique strengths removes the insecurity that creates competition.
It's also important to admit our weaknesses. When we verbally acknowledge our faults, we take the pressure off ourselves and others having to be perfect. We all have struggles. The point is: I'll be patient with you if you are patient with me. It's all about compassion without comparison.
Kids need to realize we don't have to be good at the same things. We value differences and uniqueness. We celebrate the strengths we each bring to the table and have compassion for each other's weaknesses.
We are actually emphasizing differences to eliminate the need to compete. Suppose I'm good at math and my sister is good at art. In that case, there's no competition, only encouragement to improve our very different strengths.
The Path to Restoring Significance
An empowering step to restore significance is to coach children toward solutions. We're talking about nurturing problem-solving skills.
When two children want the same toy, there is a tendency for one child to feel rejected and unloved if the other child gets the toy. By teaching negotiation using fun games, we turn the attention away from negativity and have fun resolving conflict.
A fun game is this:
One parent picks a number, writes it on paper, and doesn't let anyone see it. The children are asked to take turns guessing what the number is. Whoever guesses the number gets the toy for a predetermined period. Then the other child gets the toy after that time is up.
By writing the number down on paper, we can prove the game is fair and square when the child guesses the correct answer. There is no foul play involved.
When children need to be corrected for unkind or disrespectful behavior, separating them and addressing the matter without the other as an audience is essential.
Children have fragile egos and quickly become more concerned about what the other child thinks or does rather than focusing on the correction and restoration process. Removing a child to a private spot for conversation eliminates the distraction of an audience.
Finally, at all costs, avoid triangulation. Triangulation means getting caught up in an argument between two people with opposing views. The issues get complicated, difficult to resolve, and tend to create resentment. Speaking to a child without the other child listening is a great way to avoid triangulation.
When one child feels picked on and believes they are being singled out for correction, a great way to avoid this negative thinking is to take turns getting alone with each sibling.
When separating a child and speaking privately, it doesn't matter which child gets separated because either child can do something better in the midst of conflict next time. One child needs to be less aggressive. Another child may need stronger boundaries and be more proactive about protecting themselves.
The Benefits of Reducing Sibling Rivalry
We all tend to find ourselves acting with extreme thoughts, words, and actions rather than in a balanced way during the conflict. And all have weaknesses that require a course correction. The benefit of reducing sibling rivalry is that every conflict is an opportunity to practice being our best selves regardless of what another person says or does. That’s a valuable life skill.
When children realize their unique significance and worth to the family, their sibling is no longer a threat. When conflicts arise, we can use fun games of chance to resolve matters or problem-solving skills that focus on character development rather than the other person.
Remember, raising kids can be challenging, but it is also incredibly rewarding. Sibling rivalry can be managed with the right approach, so your family can remain happy and peaceful.
