Last week I spoke about the toddler and middle school child who says, "Mom, you don't love me." This week we're talking about the teenager who believes that mom doesn't care or love them. When a teen makes these claims, it's potentially dangerous, unfortunately.
A client recently came to me regarding her 17-year-old daughter. The relationship was spiraling out of control and falling apart. During a session together, I invited Mom to find "The Point of Connection."
We all need a common ground on which to start a conversation that leads to healing. The point of connection for Mom and her child is this: We all want to be happy. Right? So, if we can find that common point of connection, we'll all be satisfied, and we are at a great starting point.
The next question is: What is it going to take for your child to be happy? That's what my client had to ask her child: "What is it you want most to be happy?" Teenagers are looking for independence. Moms tend to struggle with giving up the control she has always had in the home. So we talked about what it would look like for this mom to be happy and what it would look like for her 17-year-old daughter to be happy.
We took those two identifiable markers and found a point of middle ground. When you have a teenager trying to gain independence and a mom trying to cling to her control, it will cause the relationship to fracture. The only way to get on the right path is to find a point of connection. This goal helps our kiddos know we love them and reduces the feeling of rejection during their emotional rollercoaster rides.
The painful reality for moms is that our kids try to get out of the house from their birth. They're always trying to step out into their independence. They're exploring and finding things out for themselves. It's our job as moms to help them along in that journey.
Sometimes, the most challenging phase of those teen years is that we're just not ready to let go. So with the mom that I worked with, I helped her see she was hanging on just a little too tight. She didn't want to see her teenage daughter make any mistakes, but that's part of the learning curve, Right?
Of course, we moms are free to say the truth, free to invite our children to make wise decisions, but we have to clarify at all times that we have a common point of connection: We all want to be happy.
As long as specific rules are abided by, our pre-adult kids need freedom - wiggle room - to explore and develop their independence. And when they make those poor decisions, they need to come back to us without judgment. Although hard to resist, it's helpful to avoid saying, "I told you so."
They need a listening ear and comfort. Teens need us to send them back on their way again to keep developing that independence. When our teens think that we're not looking out for their developing independence, they feel unloved, misunderstood, and rejected.
It's almost as if we have to escort our teens into adulthood. We have to accompany our pre-adult children into their future and maturity. Our teens need to know we're on the same page with them and that we have a common point of connection. We all want to be happy.
So, if you would like customized methods that show you how to find your power words, act with intention, and find a mindset to embrace, I can help you create a plan.
I would love to help you help your teenager step out into their independence, knowing you love them. I am looking forward to chatting with you!
